The gun was slotted into my mouth, I felt helpless as the trigger was being pulled slowly…and the next thing I knew was I woke up with a freight, sweating and my heart pounding. As I looked around in daze I saw my wife sleeping next to me and it was only a matter of time I realized it was not for real. it was a nightmare. I was clinging on to her for dear life like a baby trying to sleep away my fear the rest of my night. That was 22 years ago.
I never knew what was anxiety , what was a panic attack, all In knew was this relentless and horrifying feeling of fear, fear of death that kept punishing me day in day out. Days were like the longest , life was the saddest, minutes were the scariest, nothing could stop this feeling , this fear.
It took me some efforts and lot of miracles to get me to understand this thing called Panic attacks, this thing called anxiety or simple fear. No doctor told me this in truth, neither was I told this can be cured, nor when and how. It took a astounding rush of intent, an energy, a decision that made me believe that I can get through this and alive.
As the vicious circles of depression and panic pushed me, I pushed back. First I got up on my feet and got out, walked miles and I realized I did not suffer a heart attack, in fact this long walks made me feel better. So there seemed a way, there was hope. As I gathered more and more information on this dreadful feeling, I also did the next best I could do then, stop my medication. That was the turning point when I truly believed that I could get better. It was a decision, it was a belief and I realized this was the most important steps on my path to recovery.
As I started a different routine I stopped focusing on myself and shifted my attention and efforts on others and other things. I probably did the next big thing, I kept myself occupied physically and mentally. I would often reach out to people like myself in forums and social circles and helped them believe that this is not the end and there is a way out. That sense of Gratitude was like a magic pill that made life more purposeful, develop faith. Days were more meaningful. However as I kept pushing back and fighting this fear, I had to understand fear, get to the grass-root of this challenge, kill fear. But to do that I had to know what fear is, and so started the long journey of search. It was after all these long years of pain and pursuit I finally found the truth of fear and that fear is never beyond this….
- Health: This is probably the biggest fear that majority of the people have irrespective of to what degree of anxiety or panic. It cant get bigger than the fear of death. Almost every sense, every emotion, every pain seem to lead us to believe that we are going to be hurt, every very bad. And those palpitations make us believe we are going to kill over and die. Fact, this is going to make one feel every very sick, almost a conviction that this is the end. But its a feeling every time you go through these anxiety attacks, every time. So if there is another one fact is the previous one did not kill you, you are experiencing one right now because you made it through the last time. An impending feeling however bad is still a feeling, we create it, our sub conscious mind has been programmed over a period of time or a single catastrophic event to spell danger. So if we have programed ourselves even say sub consciously, we can re-program our mind back, thats fact. After all a constant effort , and I have to say effort, by us to fear is actually fearing itself. Its the fear of the fear, fear of the feeling of fear. And it's always the fear of our health imagining the worst case scenario almost every time for every little fear. So if you did not kill over die no matter how convinced you were the last time, what is going to happen this time around or in fact any number of times — nothing. Nothing happened the last time , nothing will happen this time or the next, all it can do is to make you feel really unwell, and I mean really every every unwell. And when you can say this to yourself and believe, then you disempower this in its very root. And the fear of death is suddenly gone, its gone because you know this is just a feeling and that too caused by you and nothing else. You empower these thoughts be make a believe every time. Once you ignore this feeling you disempower these thoughts and it suddenly has no meaning, no effect, no anxiety, no fear.
- Materials: all we work for is to enjoy the fruits of life, from a nice house, to a car, to an electronic device or appliances to the holidays everything we earn for in life is largely of materialistic value, most. Our constant fear of losing our job, our status, our material possession looms over us as dark clouds on a daily basis. In the current dog-ear-dog environment that we live in the rat race for possessions never end. We always want more, most often what we don't have, sometimes a better version if what we have. A better car, a better mobile, a better house, a bigger vacation..it never ends. And what if all this comes to an end, can we live the same life we once lived ? Our work and success largely influences our life and our experiences both good and bad. Every day we fear we lose that and live in constant fear and a sense of ‘what if’. Losing our moral values, our priorities, seem to be a constant fallout of this mindless pursuit of excellence at materialistic possessions. Fear not for none of this we ever take when we leave this world. A balance between need and wants can be a great way of reducing this stress, sometimes a disciplined habit of savings for a rainy night can be great. Most of all good health and habits take you much closer to most things we need with almost a sense of ease, an experience far more in value then some mindless pursuit of the never ending wants of life. Fear not for a materialistic life is at best a stress and a negate to a happy and healthy life.
- Relationship: Nothing that is never close to us hurts us, we might feel a bit but it never hurts. There is always a difference between ‘concern & worry’. We always worry about the people who we are close to, our family, friends & few close acquaintances. All our life from birth to death we are always connected with these people close to us. This relationship is a web of experiences of love, pain, agony and even death. Our connection with these people through love and emotions is most often beyond control, and thats why I say its eternal. Our constant fear for the wellness of these people around us leads us to various experiences. Some of these can be sad and for some painful, leaving scars for a lifetime. Relationship is probably the most uncontrollable. It's an attachment that transcends time and space, its beyond physical. This relationship wears people down, drains them of living a normal let alone a healthy life. The love of a mother for a child, or a brother for a sister or a husband for his wife, there are always a very strong connection. This fear for the well-being of these people goes even beyond their physical presence on earth — till death do us apart. Our constant worry and fear for these people in our life is something we should be aware if not be in control.
Our life is always full of experiences, thats part of our journey, how we react is more important in the way we live it. As we experience these circumstances, people and incidents we mold our life through our efforts or otherwise. Our thoughts most often creates unwanted fear of possibilities that never happen. Our reaction to these situations in life creates a pattern of behavior that influences our life for the good or bad. Being aware of this and the fear associated is vital for a healthy life. Having a grip on your thoughts that control these fearful experiences is important. These thoughts are not the truth they are a reflection of our habitual emotion. Stay in control. Stay healthy.
